Yes. It’s okay for you to want to find the perfect person, the second to your first, the corner piece to your edge piece. And as obvious as that seems, sometimes we need to hear it.
I have recently moved to New York City to find something. I’m not exactly sure what that will be – a law degree, I suppose, as that was my means of getting here. But, I also want to find myself, since it is a big transition, and hopefully, hopefully love. The problem is, I’m so desperate for something real, I’m afraid that I’m looking too hard or having a nonsensical checklist too easily memorized.
The day of my arrival to NYC was, in two words, a hot mess. One of my flights was cancelled, both of my rescheduled flights were delayed, and I arrived in the city at about midnight with an address for my apartment, but no idea how to get there. While standing in an incredibly long line waiting for a taxi, a boy behind me struck up a conversation. He was funny, very cute, and visiting the city for a little over a week before heading back to Florida. We chatted for about an hour and discovered that we share the same sense of humor, so when he asked for my number right before we parted ways, I felt safe enough to give it to him. After all, I didn’t figure he would actually follow through on contacting me, but if he did, I could definitely use a friend in this new city, even if it was only for a week.
A few days went by with me simply traveling the city alone, enjoying myself, when my airport companion called. We made plans to meet up at the park the next day – plans that I was not entirely positive I wouldn’t cancel, since I didn’t know him. However, in a mixed moment of braveness, homesickness, and loneliness, I tucked my pepper spray into the outside pocket of my purse, and headed to Central Park. It wasn’t the perfect day – it rained, it was hot, my hair got frizzy, and we got lost many, many times. It was still one of the best days I have had since moving here, though (although I realize, yes, I realize I haven’t been here long.), because I had great, new company.
When I got home that night, I felt weird and wasn’t sure why. It’s this feeling I get that something is pressing to get out, a thought that’s there that I’m not acknowledging, something I need to realize. And I did realize it: I was sad because I had taken a step closer towards finding whatever it is that I want, and then was left there alone.
It was an enlightening step because it made me think. If I can, in a day, meet someone who already thinks that what I say is interesting and valuable, then there has to be someone who does for longer. If there is someone who, within an hour or two of talking wanted to spend more time together, then someone exists who wants to talk for longer and be together for longer. They exist. And you know what? I’m tired of trying to be cool and denying this. I want to find them!
I want it. Love. I want to care for someone and support everything they do. I want someone to tell puns to. I want someone who thinks puns are funny. I want someone to cry to and actually want to cook dinner for, and someone to believe in me when I’m anxious. I want someone who also believes the world is good and wants to add even more goodness to it. I want someone who will take risks, challenges, and go through the troubles because they want to be with me and I pinky promise I will do the same. I want someone who wants to take walks and play with children, and call every little stupid thing we do an adventure because it was new or fun or both and we were together. I want someone who knows the value of everyone’s thoughts. I want someone who has their own thoughts and will share them. I want someone who won’t care that I wear glasses and who understands that sometimes the world physically hurts my heart and at that time, the only solution is a hug. I want someone who understands that when I love I give you my whole entire heart and they know how scary that is…probably for both of us. I want someone who is also ready to take on the world, hopefully together, but realizes we could both handle it alone as well. I want someone who has the bubbles inside that makes them want to explore and learn and never stop doing that. I want someone who is ready to commit because they know that this time it’s worth it.
I want it all! I want a love that makes reminds me that I shouldn’t ever have to settle. A love that makes me feel special, valuable, respected, and important. I want to make someone else feel that way. And yeah, expectations that high may require a little searching.
You know what though? I don’t think it’s unreasonable.